Pigskin Prophet: Cluck Commander, Darius Mayo Clucker Edition |
College football is back and the first big controversy of the season centered around the name of a molting chicken in Columbia. Welcome to South Carolina Darius Clucker.
First off, I kinda knew that the barnyard bird on the South Carolina sidelines was Sir Big Spur. I didn’t know that the name was copyright protected or that people would want to fight over it. And then when someone suggested that the new name should be something like Darius Clucker, or Cock Commander, or any other stupid name you can think of. Personally, I would have gone with Mother Clucker, but that’s a conversation for another day. But the people down here chickened out (hahaha) and decided to end their cockfight (hahaha) and settled for the name The General. Now I gotta be honest, that makes me think of the little cartoon guy that does commercials with Shaq – Call the General and Save Some Time!!! – trying to sell insurance. That’s not the greatest nickname, to be sure. It still sets it all up for ridicule, but at the end they laid an egg (stop me please) and put their chicken scratch (seriously, stop me) on a piece of paper and renamed it Sir Big Spur, which is kinda like Sir Big Purr, an act I saw on Miami Beach one time. I wanted to comment on The Spurs Up Show page, but I can’t in all seriousness because I am not sure they know that when that mother clucker goes spurs up, it’s dead. And when I mentioned that to a farmer friend of mine, he informed me that the fall is when his chickens molt. That is when they get kind of mangy and lose their feathers. Seriously? We’ve watched that bunch get plucked and lose feathers in the fall for a long time. Shoulda known. Now, on to some picks!! SATURDAY OREGON VS. GEORGIA AT MERCEDES-BENZ STADIUM It’s the Chick-fil-A Kickoff Classic, and the Ducks fly in from Oregon to see if they quack up some Bulldogs. The Bulldogs are fresh off a title season, and they have little Stetson Hargrave McCluckington Westchester Hampton Essex Bennett the 14th at quarterback. The Ducks feature former Auburn quarterback Bo Nix, who was never very good for the Tigers. Both teams have good offensive lines, and this shapes up to me to be a four-quarter game. The difference? Georgia may have youth on their defensive line, but they’re all good. That makes a difference late. GEORGIA 31, OREGON 21 NC STATE AT EAST CAROLINA The Wolfpack and Dave Doeren travel East to take Dowdy-Ficklen Stadium for a date with a bunch of Pirates. I am so glad that the Pack finally won the Atlantic Division title and an ACC Championship last season. Except they didn’t. But that’s the way they act. Now they take their act on the road and we get to see Holton Ahlers and Devin Leary in a battle of quarterbacks. This looks to be a high-scoring affair, and the Pack will walk away with a win, and Doeren will smoke several cigars and their fans will rush the field. NC STATE 37, ECU 27 UNC AT APPALACHIAN ST. The Tar Heels played an outgunned and outmanned team FAMU team last week and their defense didn’t look great. Now they head to The Rock to take on Chase Brice and a bunch of angry hillbillies that will look to beat their ACC foes. The Heels have what looks to be a good young quarterback in Drake Maye and this promises to be a shootout. And when a young quarterback gets into a shootout, on the road, against an experienced quarterback, it might not end well. We are thinking Brice and those angry mountain folk win a thriller. NEERS 35, UNC 34 GEORGIA ST. AT SOUTH CAROLINA Shane Mayo Beamer and his Mayo Men host Georgia St. in a much-anticipated opener in front of dozens and dozens of Mother Cluckers as Sir Big Purr/The General looks on. Be careful around that live chicken, however, because we now know he is losing his feathers. Don’t get caught around that, because the mayo will make the feathers stick to your skin. And it smells bad. But that has nothing to do with a game prediction. The Gamecocks have a new quarterback, Spencer Garter, and he is looking to make his mark early in front of the home fans. But Georgia St. won’t be the pushover people think they are – this crew finished 8-5 last season and that hybrid option attack might give the Fightin’ Mayos fits. For 2 1/2 quarters anyway. Then the Mayos pull away. DARIUS CLUCKER 34, GEORGIA ST. 20. NOTRE DAME AT OHIO ST. The Fighting Irish head to Columbus for free tattoos……wait, sorry, that was another time for the Bucknuts. Look, I would love to Notre Dame to pull off the upset. And new head coach Marcus Freeman has Irish nation buzzing about the potential of the program. With good reason. Recruiting is taking off, and Freeman has built a good staff. But they’re taking a new quarterback, on the road, into an environment of angry people who have had to return home from Myrtle Beach to prepare for snow. The Bucknuts have too much firepower, too much of everything in this one. SNOWBIRDS 40, IRISH 20 SUNDAY FSU vs. LSU IN THE SUPERDOME FSU looked decent against Duquesne last weekend, but it’s Duquesne and we can’t take a whole lot from that win. LSU is a different animal, and their fans are different animals, too. I like FSU’s linebackers, but they have to win the battles up front if they want to win this game. They won’t. LSU’s running game will be too much and the Tigahs will own the second half. LSU 34, FSU 20 MONDAY CLEMSON VS. GEORGIA TECH IN MERCEDES-BENZ STADIUM The last game of the weekend features an angry group of wanting to take the Tigers back to the promised land. We still don’t know what the offense will look like, and we don’t know a lot about the defense. One thing we do know, however, is that Clemson’s defense is filled with playmakers, they’re fast, and they will be prepared. Georgia Tech’s Waffle House Collins returns Jeff Sims at quarterback, but he will have a tough day behind a young offensive line that will wilt under the pressure of Clemson’s front. I just don’t see Georgia Tech’s offense doing much. If anything. CLEMSON 34, WRECKS 7
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