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All-In [42266]
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Falling out with friends
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Dec 8, 2023, 9:50 AM
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My wife and I had a bad falling out with a couple that we've been close with for years. This happened months ago.
This isn't asking for advice but I guess opening up discussion and relating with others who have had the same thing. This ship has already sailed and it's irreparable. I won't get into details (mainly because why would you care?) but missteps were made on both sides. However, their response went well over the top and majorly shattered our trust, and then they felt they didn't do anything wrong. But we quickly learned they didn't value us as much as we thought they did.
That was the toughest pill to swallow for me and my relationship with the dude. I lost sleep over it; I had considered him one of the best friends I'd ever had and now it appeared he never really felt the same. It felt surreal to grasp that we weren't going to watch football together again, throw back beers again, toss bags again, etc.
It did cause some shake up in the overall friend group. Basically, we were told ultimately they were in the wrong and overall group has leaned to our side; they were disturbed at the actions of the other couple. If the neutral parties had told my wife and me that we were in the wrong, we would have looked inward and tried to make amends. But they crossed such an inexcusable line and refused to admit any fault; from that, we couldn't go back and couldn't trust any further interactions.
But the scorecard of public opinion doesn't matter. We still lost friends.
It's been on my mind again this weekend with some friends visiting who haven't taken sides and basically have to treat us like their divorced parents. Shared visitation. I hate that for them because they didn't ask for this. And I know they also think we're in the right through a few comments they've made, but they don't want to sever their ties. And I respect that. I think that's one lesson I'm really getting out of this: Real friends don't ask their friends to choose between people.
My wife really had my back during all of this and I love her even more for it. She was furious at how I was treated and has said there's 0.0 chance she would ever reconcile as a result (there is a very, very small chance I'd give it a shot). And we've moved on. But what has meant the most is re-evaluating who I invest in as friends and what values people have that are important to me. I've come away from this with stronger friendships with other people.
I share this here amongst the fuckery that I enjoy reading because I'm certain I'm not the only one who has gone through such a falling out. For a while, it really did feel like someone had died for a little while with this loss. Or maybe, just comfortable familiarity.
If it happens to you, do the same: take time to re-evaluate who you invest in. Strengthen those relationships with the people you know for certain have your back. People who build you up. In hindsight, I can see now early warning signs that we would have ended here eventually. If a friendship goes past seven years, it's usually meant to be.
I also look at this situation and these posts about Celtic. I didn't know him as well as many of you. Man, I wish I had. It's people like that who are worth investing in. I'd love to have a friend just like him today.
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All-In [46864]
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No sir. We need the deets on what these ### holes did***
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Dec 8, 2023, 9:53 AM
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All-In [42266]
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Snapped at me at an exit row on a plane.***
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Dec 8, 2023, 9:56 AM
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All-In [46864]
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I don't get it.***
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:01 AM
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All-In [46864]
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My wife and I are very anti social. We really only have like one
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Dec 8, 2023, 9:55 AM
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other couple we hang out with and even with them we have drifted apart this year.
There is a common theme for us though. If your child is an aggravating little ####, I don't care if we've been friends since we were aggravating little #####, we will slowly distance ourselves from you.
Already happened twice.
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Lot o points [156046]
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I enjoyed this post. Especially the part where the
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:09 AM
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reader would believe that there are millions of friends dying to hang with you in Mullins, SC, but you're the one saying "no".
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All-In [43848]
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Errrbody got standards it seems.***
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:09 PM
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Oculus Spirit [85453]
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Re: Falling out with friends
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Dec 8, 2023, 9:56 AM
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Heisman Winner [138089]
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Seen it a million times.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:08 AM
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As much as everybody firmly believes they're cool with it, SOMEBODY is going to get jealous and butthurt when you swing/swap.
But seriously, that sucks. I don't think we've had any full-fledged other-couple-divorces that I can recall, but we've definitely had mutual annoyances and extended breaks from some friends/married couples here and there. The world would be a better place if people would just see things how I see them, just like the roads would be perfectly pleasant if everybody just drove like me. It's so easy, and yet, most people won't do it.
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All-In [42266]
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Re: Seen it a million times.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:28 AM
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As much as everybody firmly believes they're cool with it, SOMEBODY is going to get jealous and butthurt when you swing/swap.
To be fair, I may have also overpromised on certain measurements for my qualifications here.
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Heisman Winner [138089]
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Happens to the best of us.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:32 AM
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"Oh, my bad, that's in centimeters, not inches."
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All-In [32682]
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You forgot to turn the pineapple right-side up on the wall hanging - they
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:11 PM
[ in reply to Re: Seen it a million times. ] |
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came over - saw it - said we THOUGHT you were pineappley-people but you never expressed interest in us . . .
and that's when it came out you thought she was ugly with terrible hangers and your wife would rather go to the vegetable market than hang with the dude.
I'm close, aren't I ?
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Heisman Winner [105702]
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That sucks. Good thing Greenr is going through life without friends
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:13 AM
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that way he never has to deal with this shiddd.
Actually, heading to a Christmas party at some new "friends'" house this evening, no kids, only a couple people there I vaguely know. I do really like their golden retriever though, so I imagine I'll be getting drunk and petting a dog all night (and their golden, nomsayin).
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CU Medallion [56158]
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At this point, I only have friends-in-law.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:24 AM
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I can socialize without the pesky "maintaining relationships" aspect. There are no favors asked or support needed. All I have to do is be nice, make the occassional joke, and not trip on my own asshole and I'm fine.
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All-In [47961]
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Oculus Spirit [79448]
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Lot o points [163012]
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I feel for you.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:14 AM
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We have two couples and one single lady with whom our whole group has been friends with for over 30 years. Kids grew up together, lived on the same street or right around the corner.
We still are great friends, do things together all the time, even though kids are grown and have their own kids. Luckily never had any major issues. We have all moved from our houses where our kids grew up, but still in the Greenville area, so we don't see each other as often, but make time to get together, other than the single mom who moved to Florida. I am doing a dinner for them next Sunday.
It would be hard for us if something like this happened, so I truly feel for you.
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Heisman Winner [135687]
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I'll just wait for the book, if that's OK.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:16 AM
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How The Garage Bar Ruined My Life by Cat A. Houla
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Oculus Spirit [79292]
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I don't think I've ever seen a longer piece of writing that
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:08 PM
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doesn't really tell you anything.
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Oculus Spirit [79292]
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^Fugging OP Reply fail***
Dec 8, 2023, 12:08 PM
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All-In [43848]
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Don't let people get so close
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:16 AM
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keep 'em at arms length.
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Lot o points [163012]
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Sad way to go thru life imo.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:17 AM
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Friendship and memories are what I value more than any other thing I have.
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All-In [43848]
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Hey look, I don't disagree.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:30 AM
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I tend to take an arms length approach in the beginning for sure.
"friends" that you have a falling out with? That potential should be identified sooner.
Zebras have stripes. ID zebras. When they wear a brown coat, don't let them convince you they've become a horse. They are still zebras.
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All-In [43848]
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I'll add that in the populated golf cart garage bar hoods
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:36 AM
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the 'ole social circle can grow and grow quickly. It's all a fantastic experience with the constant meeting of new friends and everyone knows each other.
Then it devolves into high-school level drama. Buttttts getting hurt over being left out of certain events, catty wimmins being catty wimmins, alcohol infused disagreements between dudes, kid drama, you name it....all of it eventually will happen.
Net, folks ya think have become real good frands simply aren't that, and you get to deal with the recognition of that and the negative experiences that come with that.
If ya ain't lived in that sitch, you prolly wouldn't know.
Ya gotta enjoy peeps for your time with them and also remain cautious of certain folks/personality types. Especially in the south (and here in SC). Lot's of fake MFs out there. Gotta find the real ones.
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All-In [43848]
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Cata nailed in his 2nd to last paragraph. I skimmed and overlooked that.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:39 AM
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He's spot on though.
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Oculus Spirit [81130]
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people change over time as well.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:41 AM
[ in reply to I'll add that in the populated golf cart garage bar hoods ] |
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Their own interpersonal dynamics change, which forces them to change ART others and their friendships.
I knew a dude years ago that told me that you get new friends about every 4 or 5 years, and I thought he was crazy. But I got to thinking about it, and he's not really that wrong.
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Heisman Winner [138089]
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All-In [43848]
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I don't get it.
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:10 AM
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But yes, having lived for considerable times in different regions.....
In the NE, generally folks will be straight up and tell you the truth without regard to how you receive it.
In the deep souf, they smile and get all friendly then are quick to talkshid when you turn your back.
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Lot o points [156046]
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smdh***
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:15 AM
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All-In [43848]
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aight. I got it. I'm slow. And yes, exhibit A.***
Dec 8, 2023, 11:57 AM
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Hall of Famer [24171]
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Re: I don't get it.
Dec 8, 2023, 1:58 PM
[ in reply to I don't get it. ] |
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A large portion of people from the northeast are D-bags.
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Lot o points [156046]
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Heisman Winner [105702]
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We had a big-ish group of friends, mostly us guys from HS then college
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:17 PM
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back in same town. Added the wives in, had tons of fun for a while. Then some of the wives realized they didn't like each other, whole thing fell apart. Kinda split down the middle for a little while, 3 couples on one side, two on the other, one in the middle. I gave up on that, wasn't worth the headache.
The guys could sit on the porch and laugh about the same stories for hours. THe girls, not so much. Oh well, it ended.
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All-In [42266]
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Re: I'll add that in the populated golf cart garage bar hoods
Dec 8, 2023, 11:42 AM
[ in reply to I'll add that in the populated golf cart garage bar hoods ] |
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Then it devolves into high-school level drama. Buttttts getting hurt over being left out of certain events, catty wimmins being catty wimmins, alcohol infused disagreements between dudes, kid drama, you name it....all of it eventually will happen.
That's a pretty good summation of the problems.
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Oculus Spirit [97799]
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With great risk, comes great reward. Or great sorrow.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:39 AM
[ in reply to Hey look, I don't disagree. ] |
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Called life. You can't avoid it, or do so at your own peril.
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Heisman Winner [136191]
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I had a friend once
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:17 AM
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they ate a hole in their cage and ran away.
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CU Medallion [56158]
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I had some people I used to hang out with.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:19 AM
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I'd say they were my friends, but I ultimately realized they weren't. We drifted apart and I don't miss them.
It's crucial to distinguish between familiarity and actual friendship.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8Qf96p_93U
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All-In [47795]
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Pro Tip:
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:22 AM
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Don't bang friends wives and tell.
HTH
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Legend [17324]
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You have friends outside of TigerNet?***
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:23 AM
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All-In [42266]
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I do.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:30 AM
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Their names are Duke and Snake Eyes and Scarlett and Gung Ho and they live in my closet. It's my relationship with Destro that got messed up.
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Heisman Winner [138089]
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Joined: 10/22/00
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Re: I do.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:33 AM
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CU Medallion [56158]
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Joined: 8/27/02
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I've always suspected that hooded Cobra Commander was
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:02 AM
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designed so uncircumcised kids could have a villain they'd relate to.
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CU Medallion [58471]
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Been through that too, and it sux.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:36 AM
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I hate it for you. My wife and I too looked inward. Did we do something wrong? Why such a strong reaction? It's just hard to understand and accept how different people can view and respond to certain situations so differently.
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Oculus Spirit [81979]
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It just sucks when it happens.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:38 AM
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I had a friend who was an immature socialite, constantly making terrible life decisions and I full on confronted him about it - he didn't like what I had to say. I think he sob storied himself around our friend group and I don't get invited to many of the parties and hangouts that group does. Last I checked he's done some big time growing up the past six years including buying a house, getting a dog, and maintaining a relationship for more than a month.
Of course I had a kid and now don't really have time to do anything anyway.
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All-In [46864]
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CU Medallion [55811]
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Aye. It happens. I meant to post something similar a couple of weeks ago.
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:43 AM
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Our situation is we just watched a family kind of fall apart. They were across the street neighbors of ours, and we interacted with them quite a bit. Solid family. Four kids just like us. Christians.
Anyhow, they moved away for work, then moved back, which we didn't know this util we saw them out at a froyo shop and we hardly recognized them. We can't be sure what happened but they all just looked off. I have seen the wife out a couple of times and she looks way older and almost like a homeless person at times. I talked to her about two weeks ago when we saw each other when picking up pizzas. She said they moved back because her father got ill. But something still doesn't seem right. It's like this solid family just kind of fell apart. Sad. And weird.
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Lot o points [156046]
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Sex or money
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:44 AM
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Which one does this involve?
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Heisman Winner [138089]
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Re: Sex or money
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:48 AM
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All-TigerNet [11225]
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Had one of those many years ago. It was about
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:45 AM
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kid crap tho. Kids were 7 or 8 or so, his kid thought it’d be funny to try out a new karate move he’d learned in class on my kid. LilSlac didn’t think it was cool at all and punched him in the eye. Oh, the crying that ensued, running to Mama…I didn’t do nuthin, he just hit me. I knew it was BS cause I saw the whole thing. Told LilSlac to apologize, but by the time we got to that point they had left the gathering. Now the dad of the karate kid was a good dude so I didn’t expect much fallout and I took my kid to their house the next day to apologize. Nope not havin’ it, your kids a bully, friendship over. F you very much.
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CU Guru [1514]
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Re: Had one of those many years ago. It was about
Dec 9, 2023, 1:07 AM
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I admire the way you tried to handle it.
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All-In [47805]
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can you blame them for not wanting to be around
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:47 AM
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"chipped" people who wore mouth diapers?
Seriously though, we experienced a friend/divorce in the last year. its tough - feel your pain
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All-In [28440]
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my d i v o r c e split about half the friend group
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Dec 8, 2023, 10:52 AM
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when we were married had a falling out with a good friend couple. hung out with him a lot. what i discovered is that their behavior and reactions speak volumes about them, not you and you’re better off without.
you’ll be happier and healthier, so…
pro tip: ### em.
yo bmeisterburger - i ditched the “c”.
Message was edited by: theclash®
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Oculus Spirit [81130]
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I think thats probably the quickest way to alienate a bunch of friends
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:07 AM
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is to have one couple of the friend group get divorced.
The women of teh group are usually going to side with the woman getting divorced (unless she's just a real b1tch..I've seen that happen too), and the married men of the group aren't going to risk starting a thing in their marriage...because p-whipped.
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Oculus Spirit [81130]
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And married friend groups don't really have any single members.
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:13 AM
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At least not for long.
Married women certainly don't want a single woman in the friends/social group because of possible competition (and women are inherently insecure AF), and they don't like their husbands hanging out with their single male friends because the husband might see that being single is pretty cool, and the husband might actually start enjoying his life again (see also women being inherently insecure AF).
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Lot o points [156046]
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And in all sirrusness, at some point more people than not end up with
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:12 AM
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a friend group that needs a major pruning, and they don't even realize it.
That was one of the nice things about when we moved to TN knowing almost no one here. Older and wiser, you can tell the drama queens and the fake and annoying people a mile away, and end any potential friendship with them before it starts, or relegate them to permanent acquaintance status. You end up with a far closer, more genuine, and selective friend group than say the people you end up hanging out with by default and/or accident when you're 25.
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Oculus Spirit [79448]
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I don't really understand the desire to have a 'friend group' anyway
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:21 AM
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It's constant compromise, going along with what the group wants to do instead of doing exactly what you want to do. Then you've inevitably got this kind of drama, who ##### has time or energy to deal with that? Makes no sense to me.
We have a small circle of people we more or less end up hanging out with just because we enjoy doing the same things and going to the same places. But it's not really a couples thing, I've got a group of guys I'll meet at the bar, wife has some friends she'll go have margaritas with or whatever. A few of those people also have boats so we'll see them out on the lake....but the whole coordinated event with a group of people thing? Nah, I ain't about all that.
We almost got suckered into one due to having kids the same age, but once those MFers invited us to go Christmas caroling we knew it was time to bail on those people.
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Lot o points [156046]
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Once your kids are 9-10 years old through HS graduation,
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:25 AM
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It's easier to find the holy grail than to find a couple where you and your wife like the husband and their wife, and your kids like their kids.
Im-poss-ible. Either the wife or husband will be boring or an a-hole, or the kids will be total nerds or spazz's.....someone in your family will be taking one for the team when you hang out.
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All-In [42976]
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True, but it's the same when the kids are younger too. You are just too
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:37 AM
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tired and too busy herding kids and cleaning up their juice box spills so you don't really have time to notice how annoying the parents are.
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Lot o points [156046]
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I was specific about the older kids because usually
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:38 AM
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you plop a couple 6 year olds down next to each other, and the coolest 6 year old in kindergarten can get along with the biggest toolbox for a couple hours.
Around 10 or 11 you get the eyerolls and they "they are SO LAME Dad.".
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Oculus Spirit [79448]
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It's kinda like that now
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:43 AM
[ in reply to Once your kids are 9-10 years old through HS graduation, ] |
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One of my wife's best friends is married to a DEA agent...So yeah
My quasi best friend is dating a stripper, but he lives about 2.5 hours away now anyway. We also don't talk quite as much after I sent him pictures of my son when he was born and he sent me pics back of his new side x side. It was a nice Can Am though.
One of my sons friends has pretty normal parents, they're cool enough to have a few beers with. But they are all about 'gentle parenting', and their kids are off the rails.
It's all good though, cause my favorite activity is to drink beer on my boat alone or with immediate family only. As long as I've got that I'll be OK. If I were in this sort of situation with a divided friend group or whatever I think I'd just bail on everybody and do my own thing.
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Hall of Famer [21978]
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I agree here
Dec 8, 2023, 1:09 PM
[ in reply to I don't really understand the desire to have a 'friend group' anyway ] |
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it drives me ####### nuts.
Like, here's my priorities:
- keep my kids occupied enough to not #####
- make fat stacks
- #### the #### out of my wife
- play golf (Feb - Sep), slay bucks (Sep - Dec) and slay ducks (Dec - Jan).
that's it.
any addition of some obligations for these people just ##### #### up and it drives me insane. like "OoOoOoOo" let's go to a brewery in E Nashville". no. that sounds miserable.
one of em asked us if we wanted to go to a comedy show DT Nashville, on a Thursday.
like, Bish. you serious? is it Dave Chapelle?
no.
so it's like open mic night on 4th Ave in Nashvegas?
yes
that's not even on my radar of possibilities. gtfohere
like I said below. I think it comes down to different perspectives. These people moved from BFE Iowa, right? Like what were they up to the past 10 years? B/c I doubt it was ripping gator tails and smoke blunts on the roof of the Ivy in Buckhead.
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All-In [27184]
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Kinda echo Obed here.
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:30 AM
[ in reply to And in all sirrusness, at some point more people than not end up with ] |
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I have a very close group of friends from middle/high school that we all went to Clemson together, and I feel is pretty rare to have a larger group this close. We're also now spread all around, but mostly in the South where we can get up either at a football game now and then, or a trip. (Used to be weddings, but now there are only a couple of dudes either waiting for their first or second marriages.)
However, since I left Charleston going on about a decade ago, it's pretty much been me and the wife (and now the little dude). Outside of her co-residents and their sig-Os, our buddy p6fuller® is really the first friend I've made with no connection to my wife in a long time.
I don't know if it's the "my wife is my best friend" aspect, or if when you get older you don't have the compelling need for socialization like you used to, or it's what Obed said that you have a far lower tolerance for drama and fakeness that is still present in some grownasspeople, but I really don't mind. Plus it's just hard AF to keep up with folks. Fuller and I have been trying to get something going for months, and he lives a stone's throw away.
But, basically, good friend or acquaintance, life is too short to suffer through someone's petty bs.
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All-In [27184]
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Re: Kinda echo Obed here.
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:34 AM
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But this is not to say I wouldn't see McLovin if he came up Charlotte way again. Or that homewrecker JohnFBell®.
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Lot o points [156046]
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That's like me and dawghater.
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:35 AM
[ in reply to Kinda echo Obed here. ] |
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We're going to meet up for beers soon, but it's been hard to sync. He's only been here a couple months though so it'll happen soon.
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Hall of Famer [21978]
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lol
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Dec 8, 2023, 1:13 PM
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a couple months
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Hall of Famer [24171]
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Re: lol
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Dec 9, 2023, 12:42 AM
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When you get ol' like me and Obed, a couple years seem like a couple of months 
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Hall of Famer [24171]
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Re: lol
Dec 9, 2023, 1:26 AM
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I mean, I'm old, but not Obed old. Just wanted to clear that up.
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Oculus Spirit [79448]
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Here's part of the problem IMO, particularly if you have a certain
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:57 AM
[ in reply to Kinda echo Obed here. ] |
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type of personality....There's always an 'organizer' in the group, and they are going to push everyone to do what they want to do. They aren't afraid to make waves if somebody bucks them, either. Group people typically don't mind this as much, they don't have strong feelings one way or another so it doesn't rub them the wrong way. But if you're more individualistic it absolutely will, and ultimately it will be too much to put up with.
Then you've got at least 1 one-upper thrown in there, maybe even several. The more you have the more nauseating the conversations will be. You might even find yourself in competition with them without realizing how you got there. Then you have to feel bad about being a ########.
There's typically somebody who is emotionally unstable too. 'Emotional vampires' is a name I've heard them called. They're gonna bring you down man, something somewhere bad happened and we gotta get in our feels about it. Much more common with women, but some men are like this as well. Fuggin debbie downers.
All in all it doesn't seem worth the bulllshit, I'll go meet some buddies at a bar but I'm not trying to rent a beach house with everyone or anything like that.
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Lot o points [156046]
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Oh man, that's the scene here in my town. There are a ton of people
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:01 PM
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who grew up here and came back to this town. They're all in the same monster friend group and Thank God, I've been able to remain on the periphery of that group. They all still go to the neighborhood pool though and get hammered together 4 days a week in the summer, play bunko or poker every weekend, and the weirdest thing to me is that at spring break or fall break they all go down together, like 10 couples, and stay in the same place in Florida and vacation together.
It's a bunch of people who have never been able to thin their herd, and when any of them are alone they're talking shidd about half the other people in the group like it's their job.
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Oculus Spirit [79448]
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That's how a lot of the people I went to high school with are
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:11 PM
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They'll get dressed up in tuxedo's and shid just to go hang out with the same people they've seen every weekend for the past 15 years.
Imagine how miserable that is, ever tried to get a table for more than 8-10 people? Almost impossible, and you will be waiting. Then everybody working in the restaurant hates you, your table is loud AF so the other patrons hate you, there will be an argument about the carpooling situation, and at least one major fight will break out between couples. We did that with the neighborhood group once growing up, everybody went to Litchfield and to this day it is one of the worst experiences of my lifetime.
Parents didn't get along, kids didn't get along, but for some reason everybody was hellbent on doing everything as a group. F that noise, never again.
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All-In [43848]
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ZOMG you live in my hood don't ya?
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:12 PM
[ in reply to Oh man, that's the scene here in my town. There are a ton of people ] |
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And now their kids are graduating college, moving back to the same hood, and are hanging out with their parents and their friends.
I dunno bro. I'm just not really down with hanging out with 23 yr olds on a Friday night.
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All-In [43848]
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Same group. Go to beach together for the old weeker during the summer.
Dec 8, 2023, 12:17 PM
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Couple of other weekenders throughout the year. Tailgate together. Eat dinner nearly every Friday/Sat/Sunday together.
I'm like man these fools can't STAND spending an occasional night alone with their families, and dang sure ain't gonna hang out with someone outside of that loop.
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Oculus Spirit [81130]
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Maybe they hate their families?***
Dec 8, 2023, 12:19 PM
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Lot o points [156046]
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This one just imploded a bit actually (Lakebum-ish story forthcoming)
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:22 PM
[ in reply to ZOMG you live in my hood don't ya? ] |
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So there's one couple that always felt like the charity case of the group as far as I can tell. He's always starting up some new bullllshit "business" that we know isn't a real business (like one year he ran the elementary school fundraiser by selling them local coupons that he printed up himself on regular old paper instead of a real coupon book) while living off his wife who is a traveling RN or something.
Their daughter babysat for us one time 8-9 years ago and let our dog out of the fence while we were gone and was too stupid to realize that the limping and bleeding dog had a mauled front leg from getting hit by a car so he was just sitting in the den floor and whining when we got home. I was so angry I let the Dad know what a MENSA member he had raised and have never interacted with them since, but I digress.
Anyways, the wife travels all over TN and apparently has been getting blackout drunk and banging randos from Tinder everywhere from Memphis to Johnson City. I guess she swiped on the wrong guy at some point and he beat the crap out of her, which exposed the issue.
So they start divorce proceedings and it's realized the husband hasn't paid the mortgage in like 9 months and the house gets repossessed. He can't even get credit approval for a terrible apartment, so he has to have his 23 year old daughter co-sign for him some seedy one bedroom on the outskirts of town.
Would be a sad story if the people weren't so despicable and they hadn't cost me $3k and offered to pay back none of it when their dingbat daughter got my dog hit by a car.
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Oculus Spirit [79448]
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Yeah, but I would be willing to bet they definitely raised a little hoe
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:29 PM
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And the world needs those too. Twin Peaks needs bartenders.
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Re: Here's part of the problem IMO, particularly if you have a certain
Dec 8, 2023, 12:59 PM
[ in reply to Here's part of the problem IMO, particularly if you have a certain ] |
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That is the situation in my story below. They are the organizer couple.
I'm making this up as I go here, but it seems that taking any posture on all that is a losing game. Being a part of it, deciding to not be a part of it, win by agression, win by playing cool ... all of those are different ways of finding one's place on the social score meter. It sounds easy to say, "there is no meter", but that is not actually true: people and cultures do choose to have them. We can and should choose to live without a meter in a culture of meters - this board has them - but we will have to do so while things like Cat's story happen. Living without a meter in those times, not just when things are rosy, is no easy thing, imo.
Edit: We probably buy into the meters in the good times, while getting affirmation and ranking. Maybe that is why we feel betrayed when a person acts like what he is, which is the same knucklehead we all are. Our place on the meter feels threatened.
No, I am not toking.
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Hall of Famer [24171]
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Re: Here's part of the problem IMO, particularly if you have a certain
Dec 9, 2023, 12:56 AM
[ in reply to Here's part of the problem IMO, particularly if you have a certain ] |
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I'm a country boy that loves the city, and one reason I love the city is because I can go in and out of pockets of friends. I got a range from QC financier sophisticates to the fellas on North Tryon to my peeps on the bus. The older I've gotten, the more I just want to be around people that are enjoyable to be around.
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Hall of Famer [24171]
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Re: Kinda echo Obed here.
Dec 9, 2023, 12:30 AM
[ in reply to Kinda echo Obed here. ] |
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Definitely want to get up soon dude. Really enjoyed hanging out with you. You are buried into your young family, which is where you should be. I have observed a bit of fretting in some of your most recent posts. From my view, you are in a good place. You are young, successful, and have a good head on your shoulders. Just continue to care about family and friends and appreciate all their intricacies. Be your own man and never bend the knee. That's all I got.
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Hall of Famer [21978]
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Lot o points [156046]
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You're almost through the screening process. Hang in there.
Dec 8, 2023, 12:40 PM
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All signs pointing to "occasional drinking buddy" if the final background screens don't have any red flags.
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Hall of Famer [24171]
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Re: Falling out with friends
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:44 AM
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The exact same thing happened to us, same over-the-top action, same splitting of a social group. So, no answers, only a couple of observations.
In our case the four of us were talking about a subject they chose. Tmail if you want details, but they were feeling down about the fact that a very important aspect of their lives was not working out well, with no promise that any remedial action would fix the matter. What-to-do-next was not the topic, but was, "What to do if it never gets better?"
As luck would have it, we had found ourselves in exactly their circumstance a couple of years ago, the effects lingering to this day. MissTulsa and I told them about that, and said (paraphrase): "Our situation might not get resolved, because it is now in other people's hands. We found that to 'get past it' we had to admit to ourselves that because we are not perfect, we did make mistakes that helped create the situation. All people do. We at first hid behind that fact, trying to weigh on a balance who was right or wrong. When we admitted that we had made mistakes - and decided what to do accordingly - we found we could leave the outcome in the other person's hands. We don't have to keep thinking about it."
Actually, I don't think we got that many words out. They literally stood up and said, "We will never associate with you again. You are saying we have been bad (fill in the blank), so we are done. We will never see you again." I knew it was pointless to say this, but just to "make a record" I said, "No, we did not say that. We said all people are imperfect (fill in the blank), and that recognizing this allowed us - me and Miss - to know what to do and how to feel about it." They turned and left, and the next day there was a note on our door restating their desire to never interact again.
This is in our neighborhood. They live a few doors down. Because they are sticking to their "never see each other" demand, we chose to stop going to neighborhood events, so they and others wouldn't have to keep making that choice. IE, this situation is not going away. I cannot drive down my street without my first reaction being, "There is a fissure here." Not a fun thing to live with. Our friends in the neighborhood remain so, but they happen one-on-one. Social gatherings are out.
I am sure you have noticed that the other couple re-created for us the exact same circumstance the four of us had been talking about. It is going to happen. I figure it will again. In this case, we did think through how we might have miscommunicated, admitted as much in writing (to honor their demand), and said our door is open. It is now in their hands. Likely will stay there.
All that is merely to say, "Yes, been exactly where you are. I'm still there."
I think you came to some good conclusions. Obviously one can't know who to invest in, or who 'has your back'. Your and my situation can occur at anytime, and is always a surprise. Your choice of the word "invest" might be the right one: some will pay off big, some will bite you, and there is no way to get the former without the latter. You said it right: You live with the pain of betrayal/rejection by knowing that "the scorecard of public opinion doesn't matter", even if you are in the wrong, because that is a trait common to all of us.
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Lot o points [156046]
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Man you and cata are being annoyingly detail deficient. Teasing us like
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Dec 8, 2023, 11:56 AM
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"I can relate. We were friends with multiple beautiful couples. One weekend something happened to all 6 of us at a mountain cabin. Something terrible yet something passionate and exciting. I will not say what that was. We learned something about one of the ladies that was both fascinating and unique, yet difficult to comprehend. It ended up being more than we could wrap our minds around so the events of that weekend will be in our thoughts forever, and yet we cannot speak to them anymore because they were so mind-melting."
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All-In [27184]
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Group alan and someone poo'd.***
Dec 8, 2023, 12:03 PM
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Re: Man you and cata are being annoyingly detail deficient. Teasing us like
Dec 8, 2023, 12:03 PM
[ in reply to Man you and cata are being annoyingly detail deficient. Teasing us like ] |
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That sounds like something that happened in the hot tub. I promise, my details are not that exciting - or maybe you were saying I included too many words/details - but yeah, I'll be happy to share/trade.
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Lot o points [156046]
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LOL, no, I was joking. Just pointing out that both you and he are
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:05 PM
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giving enough details to be intriguing, but not enough to be satisfying. You don't have to share.
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Re: LOL, no, I was joking. Just pointing out that both you and he are
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:22 PM
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To be fair, yours did sound plausible.
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All-In [42266]
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Re: Man you and cata are being annoyingly detail deficient. Teasing us like
Dec 8, 2023, 1:34 PM
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Sometimes I wish the NSA would give us a "Publish" box. Check it, and everything you have ever said or written is sent to everyone's social media accounts. "There. Everybody knows everything. Knock yourself out."
That's the subject of this short clip. Anything narrated by Nick Offerman is going to be good.
https://youtu.be/cWs4WA--eKU?feature=shared
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Oculus Spirit [79448]
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Not trying to be an ahole or anything, but I have no idea
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:07 PM
[ in reply to Re: Falling out with friends ] |
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how you didn't laugh in their face. If somebody stood up and told me they would never associate with me again I'd think it was hilarious. Like who does that? lol
If they followed that up with a note on my door they would be the butt of every joke I made for the rest of my life, and I would make it my life's mission to make them uncomfortable at every opportunity.
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Re: Not trying to be an ahole or anything, but I have no idea
Dec 8, 2023, 12:21 PM
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All I can say is that looking at angry faces is not a pleasant thing.
I suppose we could have gone on a mission of making them look bad. Shown up at parties, passed the note around, etc. I can't tell if you're serious about that, but where would we now be? At what point do "we win"?
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Oculus Spirit [79448]
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Doesn't sound like it would take too much from your end
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:27 PM
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Just show up to stuff and let them show their #####. Passing around their note would have been my first move, "hey everyone let's laugh at these #########!". You "win" every time you show up and they act like idiots. Cause they clearly are idiots. I mean, they left a note on your door. LOL
Make their idiocy their problem, I wouldn't stop showing up to stuff just because of then.
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Re: Doesn't sound like it would take too much from your end
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:38 PM
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Sure, we could show up, let them make good on their own demand. Decided to not go that route in this situation. Might be the right thing to do in another scenario.
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Heisman Winner [105702]
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Not to minimize your situation, but that makes me lol. THEY LEFT A NOTE
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:24 PM
[ in reply to Re: Falling out with friends ] |
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ON YOUR DOOR????
I would show up at every function just to ruin their time.*
*This depends on what the actual topic was about, I assume church or parenting or something like that. It could be more serious though, and I MIGHT grant them some leniency.
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All-In [28440]
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yep. show up wherever they be and force them to decide.
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:29 PM
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then take said note and staple to dudes face for leaving note in first place. afterwards, bang his wife from behind - just for good measure
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Hall of Famer [24486]
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Re: Not to minimize your situation, but that makes me lol. THEY LEFT A NOTE
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:35 PM
[ in reply to Not to minimize your situation, but that makes me lol. THEY LEFT A NOTE ] |
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A little note card in an envelope, like an invitation, stuck in the doorjamb. 5th grade stuff. Except for the level of their emotions, their influence in the neighborhood, etc.
Obviously on a message board all things are there for all to read. But it was written for the OP, enough detail for him to see how much it matched his situation. If at all. It doesn't sound like he has taken the 'go win the fight' route, so I included enough detail for him to maybe look at his circumstance from the outside.
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Oculus Spirit [93751]
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I've been that way with my own brother and sister.
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:56 PM
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I'd reckon when anger rest a man he should step up and forgive by saying 'I'm sorry.' Friends are more precious than gold and sweeter than honey. They become more rare as life progresses.
You indicate that you played a part in the disruption between you and your best friend. First you must examine yourself, you know what you did wrong. Do not weigh that against what they did after or whether or not it was intended to do harm. That's one step more than you can take before you forgive yourself.
If you can forgive yourself you can then begin to forgive your friend.
Some man has to initiate the healing being that we are tasked with being the least emotional. It's just our station in life, not always accepted but always expected. Thus the term, be the bigger man.
If the relationship is half what you described it's value is beyond measure. When, and if, both can get past this the relationship will soar to where it's never been, both will be fully aware of the misery they wrought upon their best friend.
He can't forgive you until he forgives himself. You're both in the same boat, so to speak. He is probably as emotional and obsessed with your slight more than his guilt. That helps both of you dismiss guilt and focus on the harm done to the other.
I've rambled a bit, gone in circles and not properly respected your situation. A decade after, I'm still grieving about being alienated from three siblings. That only difference between the two situations is that I did nothing to provoke the horror they perpetrated upon me.
I know you don't have much respect for God, being one who doesn't cater to the Bible or the teachings of The Master but He said to forgive your brother. When asked to elaborate, He said forgive 70 time 7.
I struggled with that for years before I realized, some hurt us so badly we have to resolve to forgive them every day. It's not a one time event where we dismiss the episode as insignificant and move on. I would find myself feeling injured and hurt, not because of the damage to me but because it was family which violated my trust in our relationship.
It took me ~5 years to forgive my siblings and I had to forgive for about, IDK? (52x5)? 516 times. That's close enough but actually, I still think about it and remember, I already forgave him.
It might be hard for you to do. Maybe it won't be as hard for you as it was for me. I plan on visiting my family next year and seeing if they will have me after turning my backs on them in some uncivilized manner of punishing them.
Message was edited by: ClemsonTiger1988®
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Hall of Famer [21978]
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I love the sappy stuff every now and again - I gotta different perspective
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Dec 8, 2023, 12:59 PM
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that probably more aligns with that TRDJ is sayin just about more than anyjuan, mixed w/ a little bit of Obed.
On one hand, I got my homies from way back when that are like brothers. It'd take some serious carnage for these friendships to evaporate. Now, none of us live next to each other, but even after like 3 years of not hanging, when we sync up it's like nothing changed. Genuine gayboi frat or high school ball love that can't break.
Then I got my new homies around here or still in ATL that I frequently text. Golf, beer, drinking, hunting, etc. I have yet graduate these new homies to my old homie status. And to be honest, I don't see it happening.
And then, I have the group where I think this falls, and that's the neighborhood / yo-pro (I guess, not-so-yo-pro now) conglomerate with similar aged kids that we socialize with. MOST of these are driven by my wife. This group of people rarely sees who I really am...often times thinking I'm quiet (I'm not), I'm an introvert (I'm not), etc...and this is by design. I think it's more opportune to leave these people at arm's length, allow your kids to foster relationships, whatever. But I'm not opening the door to my group of homies (except Obed who continues to reject me) to some newbies without a TON of time.
I think it's a symptom of a more "grown-up" environment. I've experienced some serious shidd w/ my friends that I consider in my closest group. Stuff that I have no interest experiencing again. And somehow, we've all maintained aligned mindsets and outlooks in life. It's great.
But the new folks, man, you don't know where they came from. Their journey is typically WAYYY different than mine, and with that, you have such different perspectives it's hard to open up. I met one bro here who would've and will fit right in w/ my OG homies. We're close. But we still keep each other at arm's length, I think, and seems both of us are ok w/ that. We don't open up shidd enough to have a falling out.
Idk man, sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. And now that you opened the door, I do think we gotta know what happened....
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All-In [42266]
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Thanks, everyone, for the replies and discussion
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Dec 8, 2023, 1:27 PM
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I figured I wasn't alone in a lot of this. I really do wish it was easy for everyone to apologize and find a way to move past incidents like this, but unfortunately it just doesn't seem possible sometimes. But then again, maybe some bridges need to be burned.
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Oculus Spirit [93751]
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Re: Thanks, everyone, for the replies and discussion
Dec 9, 2023, 3:06 PM
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Your anger still outweighs the value of your friendship. The day will come and the anger will cease. What will prevent you (two) from reconciliation is the time lapse after both have forgiven and the embarrassment of not going directly one to another, and making it right.
I've been where you are, been a slave to my injuries and had those emotions exhausted and replaced by the acknowledgment that the greatest, most long-lasting injury I suffered was the violation of my trust that my family and friends cared so little of me to do such harm without apologizing and asking for forgiveness.
I've also experienced my guild for not asking forgiveness for them for denying them fellowship with me.
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